Going Home


Does anyone else get butterflies in their stomach the night before they’re due to travel? That it’s so bad they can’t sleep at night even though they’ve got a journey of about half a day and they need all the energy they can get?

Because that’s exactly what happens to me every single time. I am so tired right now I don’t even know how I can find the strength in me to fly one more leg. How do people on The Amazing Race do it?

And I mean it should probably go away now that I have someone to travel with. Gone are those long waiting hours at the airport with only a laptop or a book to keep me company. I can actually fall asleep and not worry about my things.

But today I think I know what this anxiety is all about. It’s not just about my usual dislike for airplanes (although I love airports and find some sort of calming ritual in going through them).

Leaving the hotel and those uncomfortable pillows behind

The fact is, we are going home. Our home. The little place in the world we worked on for so long, not my parents’ house with the bed I’ve slept in since we moved to Lebanon a good while ago. This is a new house, a new bed, a new home. And that makes me nervous.

Of course, I am looking forward to finally living there. Over the past year, the apartment has been taking shape under our careful observance. But at this moment, it feels like a hotel. And with any hotel, you have that moment where you’re hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Will the mattress be too hard? Will the light hit me as I’m trying to fall asleep? What about the noise?

And that first morning where you wake up and realize this is where you are supposed to be and nowhere else? How does one adjust to that? My only previous experience was when I moved for graduate school. I adjusted pretty quickly because 1. It was only temporary and 2. The place was highly impersonal so it didn’t affect me in any way.

But now this is my home and even the tiniest of my things have found their place. I fear emotionally I won’t.

I don’t know. I’m just hoping for a good night’s sleep when we finally do arrive- and if not, I’ll read my way through it. I’m almost close to finishing a book I started this morning. It feels good to be back to my normal self- pending the adjustment of course.


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