At My Worst (Again)

About twenty days ago, when I was feeling at my worst yet again, I wrote the below in an attempt to help myself understand why I wasn’t okay yet again, and what are the issues that I need to work on.  Writing always helps me feel better- and when I come back to the posts after a while, when I’m clear-headed, it gives me some perspective.

Here’s what I wrote:

I want to finish reading a chapter in a book without falling asleep in the middle of it. I want to actually finish said book and not leave it on my nightstand for weeks on end, until it collects a thick, dark layer of dust.


I want to fill in my yearly performance appraisal at work without knots in my stomach or doubts in my mind. I want to feel like all the work I have done in the past year has been acknowledged and recognized- that I take the necessary initiatives, that my work isn’t out-shone but someone else in the department.

I want to wear a nice outfit for no apparent reason and feel good about myself in the meantime. I want to walk in heels without complaining about them being uncomfortable, put on my nicest dress, have my hair stay in place, and make it look effortless.

I want to wake up in the morning feeling excited to take on a new day and the challenges it may hold- just like I used to feel back when everything was fresh and new exciting- before it all got way too familiar.

I want to spend whatever little free time I have to further my interests and hobbies. I want to go to the gym, learn a new language, pick up some weird new skill, and finally get around to writing a novel.

Whether or not these thoughts are achievable is still a hazy concept for me as I’m still not quite at the point where things are clear enough in my head. But I’m trying my hardest to get there and form a better understanding.

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