Try Him

“You have to try him. You have to know if he’s the right one for you. You should come up with different scenarios and see how he really reacts: if he gets jealous, if he cares, if he gets concerned for your safety and well-being, if he pays when you go out or makes you pick up the check, how he acts around your family. You can’t leave anything to chance because if you do he will hurt you and you’ll end up in the wrong. You should really leave nothing to the imagination and truly explore him before you go ahead and jump into anything long term- or worse, get married.”

This was a conversation I overheard between two female friends, talking about their respective engagements. They were very animated and speaking with such conviction that I could not but overhear- and maybe learn a thing or two about how to get to know Ahmad better.

I always knew relationships are hard work- but I never thought that getting to know a possible partner was so similar to test driving a new car. You expose it to all sorts of conditions and terrains, and if you don’t like it, you can take it back to the shop and exchange it or cancel the deal. Easy, and no one gets hurt.

I didn’t have to “test him.” I knew we were a great match the moment we started talking. 

You have to admire their dedication. They are leaving nothing to chance because the ultimate outcome, of getting hurt, is so undesirable, they’ll do anything to avoid it.

But this just goes against everything so many of us have been taught about love: communication is key. So as far as relationship advice goes: this has to be one of the worst I’ve hear (or overheard) so far. It makes me glad I am no longer dating.

While I would think of sharing my concerns about finances, our future, or any insecurities with Ahmad (as I have done so many times over the course of our relationship), these people will go to such great lengths to devise a whole plot line, as though they were directing a film, duping whatever unlucky soul they happen to be with just to see if he will react the way they want him to.

If he does, then the relationship goes on until they find another issue to be worried about and go through that same flowchart again.

And if he doesn’t, well that’s a big oops in his favor. They don’t just test him out, they also evaluate through a points-based system with a list of all his pros and cons. The more the pros, the longer the relationship goes on- neither really aware that this isn’t how you build a loving, trusting marriage. Any cons means that he’s just not the one and there is a high risk of failure so better to abort ASAP.

I’m not really sure why anyone would want to be in something where they’re just trying to protect themselves from each other, without really having an open channel of communication, or at least feel comfortable sharing what concerns them. How can you go through your whole life when you don’t talk to your partner? What’s the point of being with someone if you’re just going to play a game? And what’s wrong with getting hurt? Isn’t it supposed to teach you things about yourself and allow to understand what you deserve?

Or maybe I’m the one that’s gotten this all wrong?