Every once in a while, I’d be standing and observing something at work, when I find myself hit by that ugly creeping feeling and I instantly feel down.
Now, I cannot deny that this has been a great year (or a few) for me and I feel truly blessed and thankful for all the opportunities that have come my way. But as any person will tell you, sometimes these thoughts will come when they are least welcome, and they take over your entire mood and thinking process.
For me, my ugly thoughts, as I shall refer to them, have always revolved around four topics. Four topics that I can never seemingly find a solution for, that bring tears to my eyes, and strike plenty of self-doubt in my mind and heart. I don’t know if these are a natural part of growing up or if they have come with the natural transitions that I have been going through lately. All I know is that they are not welcome, and maybe writing about them will help me feel a little bit better.
Since I don’t want to make this a long and boring post with over a 1000 words, I have decided to split it into four parts, each focusing on a certain issue that is bothering me.
Today I start with one that is perhaps most visible to everyone around me, and one that has gotten the most commentary:
My Weight
I have never been skinny and never will be- I know this much is true. I try to eat healthy and I try to exercise in order to keep myself at what I think is acceptable and enough to keep me in shape. But when left to my own devices, or generally on my own, I let my love of food take control.
Let me tell you this upfront, I don’t think I have any self-control to begin with. You cannot put a bag of Haribo in front of me and expect for anything to be saved for later. But it’s not like I’m not paying attention to myself: I don’t eat fast food or fat and generally try to reduce the processed stuff in my diet.
When I can, I love nothing but a nice salad to accompany a well-grilled piece of meat or poultry. I stress on when I can because this is just not happening right now.
But there will be times when I will just give up, give into the fresh loaf of bread or have more cake than I should. Or get really down and binge on sweets.
Normally, I have always been able to counter that with working out, but ever since we have gotten married, my motivation to go to the gym has shrunk to almost nothing.
I’m not happy about it- but I just can’t seem to get myself to go. Even thinking that I am just basically throwing away money through my gym membership is not helping my usually economical self. Even working out at home is not helping because I see the couch and all I want to do is fall asleep there. I don’t know where my motivation has gone and I don’t know if I have the energy to find it.
I’m not even tracking my weight gain but I know that the clothes I got only a few months ago feel slightly tighter- and a significant number of people have asked me if I am expecting because they feel this gain too. No one wants to hear they have gotten fatter even if they know it deep, deep down.
It just stings in a completely different way when a complete stranger comments or when a relative tries to tell you you have lost weight only to have your mother negate what she said, all right in front of you.
I don’t want to be the kind of person that depends on New Year’s Resolutions, but I hope that in 2016, I can go back to being the person who incorporated the gym into her every day life- and maybe also improve upon how I cook. I know the two things go hand in hand and I know I should make every effort to stay healthy for my sake and for the one I love.
Beyond Beirut 