And I don’t know how to feel.
What seemed like ages away is suddenly creeping in on us, a handful of days left to go. What we had been planning for is going to take shape in just a few weeks.
And I truly don’t know how to feel.
There are those days when I think about the wedding and the marriage and I am just ecstatic and it plays out in my head better than a movie.
And there are days when I feel perfect strangers are more excited than I am.
Those are the days when I start picking at everything that doesn’t make sense and over exaggerate issues like people not being able to make it.
And those days are always triggered by some comment. Someone calling me “bride,” someone acting different than my expectations, someone asking way too many questions that nothing becomes a surprise anymore. They never get the clue that they might be doing something I don’t like.
I just do not know how to feel.
I don’t know if it’s even normal to sometimes feel like you wish you hadn’t gone through with this all. I mean what’s the point, all this money being spent and all this time being wasted?
We’re made to believe that these feelings are not normal. Because as a bride, your wedding should be your only concern, irrespective if you had actually wanted one or not.
So maybe I am wrong for being more worried abut what will happen with work when I go on leave (considering that we’re already understaffed)? Maybe I am wrong for being worried about my parents and all they have given us in the past year, including this wedding?
And yet I’m told that it is better to go ahead with the wedding then live to regret not having one for the rest of our lives. But is the fear of missing out worth all this intense pressure and stress and the barrage of questions?
Then there’s expectations. This is the area where I feel I changed the most. I never used to care much if things didn’t turn out the way I planned. If they did, great. But if not, then we move on. Then one time, I got super excited- okay it was our engagement- and nothing went according to plan and that completely crushed me. Since then, I have been scared to even allow myself to think that things would be okay. Because they won’t. Every single element is an opportunity for failure.
I just do not know how to feel. And who would when they’re in such a situation?