I had today’s post planned out in my head since the early morning. I would write about board game night and how fun it was. How awesome it is that a bunch of people are getting together and playing board games and card games instead of getting drunk while horrible music plays in the background. I would write about how cool it is to be one of those few girls who went to these things because she wanted to not because her fiancé made her go. And of course, because this is me, I would write about how good I was and how I beat them at their own games.
Except this isn’t the post you’ll be reading tonight because none of the above happened.
The moment we pulled up to the place where the game night was taking place, I got this strange vibe that I would not enjoy it. Something about having to play in a tent with no air conditioning in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere at night just did not sit well with me. And while Ahmad tried to explain what I’m sure is a very cool card game, I completely shut down and refused to understand a word he was saying- until he understood what was wrong and offered we leave.
I didn’t even say goodbye to anyone. I just did not want to be there.
On the drive back home, I kept thinking, recently I’ve been feeling really out of place no matter what we are doing. And this is not who I used to be. I used to be so full of energy and ideas, looking forward to trying new things and meeting new people. Now I just want to come home from work and just fall asleep. I don’t even read as much as I used to anymore.
I can’t even bring myself to see my old friends because I don’t feel up for socializing. Or if I do, I feel like everyone is asking me way too many questions than I feel comfortable answering. Sometimes (read most of the time), I don’t want the conversation to be all about me and what I’m doing.
This isn’t just about friends, because I used to be so close to my mother before all of this happened. Now, I’m always on edge whenever she disagrees with me or suggests something that I don’t like. I was never like this.
I’m not comfortable going to clubs, pubs, lounges or any of that variety because I feel like I’m infinitely older than everyone, hate the music, feel immediately disgusted by the smell and sight of alcohol, and don’t look the part.
I can’t find any joy in going shopping because that only reminds me that I can’t find things that suit me and make me feel good about myself. Nothing can make you feel worse than seeing all your flaws under the dressing room light.
I used to love going to the gym. It used to be my only way of blocking out seeing sick people and being under those hospital lights all day. Now I’m lucky if I can make it two times a week. And when I do go, I spend most of the time looking at the clock, wondering if I have done enough for the workout to come. I can’t even bring myself to changing the music I work out to.
Even with this blog, there are days when I write because I made a promise to myself that I would make the effort every single day to stop myself from having writer’s block. But the majority of the things I post? I can’t stand them. I’m my own worst critic.
Work is on a whole different level. I love what I do but I can’t stand 80% of the people I deal with. In all the time I’ve been employed, I have not made a single friend and even talking about something personal with someone makes me feel incredibly guilty.
And the wedding/honeymoon/marriage planning? Let’s not get started on those. But I’ll sum it up for you: we’re a month away and I am on the verge of a breakdown. Honestly, I do not even want to talk about it anymore. Yet people insist.
So when my fiance asked me today what I really wanted to do on our honeymoon, I broke down. I need a break. I need to find my place. Because right now, it seems that I have forgotten how to have fun, I’ve forgotten to schedule time for fun.
Being 24 sucks.