Let’s Be Honest, I Feel So Out of Place

on

I had today’s post planned out in my head since the early morning. I would write about board game night and how fun it was. How awesome it is that a bunch of people are getting together and playing board games and card games instead of getting drunk while horrible music plays in the background. I would write about how cool it is to be one of those few girls who went to these things because she wanted to not because her fiancé made her go. And of course, because this is me, I would write about how good I was and how I beat them at their own games.

Except this isn’t the post you’ll be reading tonight because none of the above happened.

The moment we pulled up to the place where the game night was taking place, I got this strange vibe that I would not enjoy it. Something about having to play in a tent with no air conditioning in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere at night just did not sit well with me. And while Ahmad tried to explain what I’m sure is a very cool card game, I completely shut down and refused to understand a word he was saying- until he understood what was wrong and offered we leave.

I didn’t even say goodbye to anyone.  I just did not want to be there.

On the drive back home, I kept thinking, recently I’ve been feeling really out of place no matter what we are doing. And this is not who I used to be. I used to be so full of energy and ideas, looking forward to trying new things and meeting new people. Now I just want to come home from work and just fall asleep. I don’t even read as much as I used to anymore.

Books and music: the things I can count on to make me happy.

I can’t even bring myself to see my old friends because I don’t feel up for socializing. Or if I do, I feel like everyone is asking me way too many questions than I feel comfortable answering. Sometimes (read most of the time), I don’t want the conversation to be all about me and what I’m doing.

This isn’t just about friends, because I used to be so close to my mother before all of this happened. Now, I’m always on edge whenever she disagrees with me or suggests something that I don’t like. I was never like this.

I’m not comfortable going to clubs, pubs, lounges or any of that variety because I feel like I’m infinitely older than everyone, hate the music, feel immediately disgusted by the smell and sight of alcohol, and don’t look the part.

I can’t find any joy in going shopping because that only reminds me that I can’t find things that suit me and make me feel good about myself. Nothing can make you feel worse than seeing all your flaws under the dressing room light.

I used to love going to the gym. It used to be my only way of blocking out seeing sick people and being under those hospital lights all day. Now I’m lucky if I can make it two times a week. And when I do go, I spend most of the time looking at the clock, wondering if I have done enough for the workout to come. I can’t even bring myself to changing the music I work out to.

Even with this blog, there are days when I write because I made a promise to myself that I would make the effort every single day to stop myself from having writer’s block. But the majority of the things I post? I can’t stand them. I’m my own worst critic.

Work is on a whole different level. I love what I do but I can’t stand 80% of the people I deal with. In all the time I’ve been employed, I have not made a single friend and even talking about something personal with someone makes me feel incredibly guilty.

And the wedding/honeymoon/marriage planning? Let’s not get started on those. But I’ll sum it up for you: we’re a month away and I am on the verge of a breakdown. Honestly, I do not even want to talk about it anymore. Yet people insist.

So when my fiance asked me today what I really wanted to do on our honeymoon, I broke down. I need a break. I need to find my place. Because right now, it seems that I have forgotten how to have fun, I’ve forgotten to schedule time for fun.

Being 24 sucks.

Advertisements

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Uday says:

    Oh Tala!! What you’re going through is completely natural. I can understand how exhausting it would have been to plan your wedding to the T, worrying about family and friends and all the other stuff. And of course, you’d want to come back home and fall asleep! Have you looked at how much these things are making you mentally exhausted lately? I think it’s fine not to feel the need to have fun right now, with bigger things looming in the horizon. I think every thing will be just fine in a month, once the big day is over, and you’ll be back to your cheerful self. So just, hang in there! And yes, keep away from people if that helps 😛

  2. Or or or… don’t get married. Take a break, really. It definitely sounds absurd and unrealistic, but if there’s any time to take a break, it’s now before serious responsibilities.
    On a less impulsive note, I was surprised when you said you’re 24, but it doesn’t make such a big difference. This disinterest and detachment you’re having are actually very widespread here, something you can easily notice growing especially in the past 2 years. My theory is that we’re bored of ‘having fun’ because it has reached a point where it is a duty and something you must do 5/7 days. And having not-so-well-earned fun isn’t satisfying. We probably need to do something productive collectively.
    So, every time you feel detached, know you’re together with a big group of people in separate places who just want to go home, put their feet up and read.

  3. My suggestion – get out of the city and disconnect for a bit. Go with a friend who won’t poke and prod you to talk all the time (maybe your fiance?). It’ll do some good to be on your own with your own thoughts, to be able to hear yourself think – while also being with someone who you can talk to at your own ease.

    Hiking is an enjoyable way to have an active escape from the demands of life. Just avoid going at noon – way too hot under the midday sun!

  4. e says:

    You are not alone. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are smart, witty, creative and you know what else? N O R M A L!!

    Growing pains are just that…painful at times but you WILL find your rhythm. I’m so glad you wrote this and I pray writing it helped to get the first layer of yuckiness off of you. Enjoy your journey by giving yourself permission to not be perfect!

    Proud of you. Your turn to do the same…

    Abundant blessings

    e

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s