I was confident that I had a good year at work. I kept telling myself all the time just how stronger and more confident I had become, that after that first years of ups and downs, I finally found my place in the organization. I’d learned so much and became a reference point for many others. The stupid mistakes I did at first were now at a bare minimum. And I felt everyone was happy with me being around.
But when I filled in my performance appraisal last month, I wasn’t so sure. It had been one of those had days when I didn’t feel I was performing well enough, and one of those days where everyone was making snide remarks. Those remarks alone are enough to affect my mood and make me question the purpose of this job.
So I just wrote whatever came to mind. That I thought I improved but there’s always room for growth. Isn’t that what all supervisors want to hear? I was half convinced with what I was saying but I just wanted to get it over and done with. The PA is important but dreaded and time consuming. I had better things to do and deadlines to meet.
Today, much like when I filled in the assessment, was one of those days when I was hating work, my duties, my coworkers, the whole environment. And I was behind on several big projects that need to end before the weekend.
But then my supervisor called me into her office to tell me she had gone over the form I sent- and she completely agreed with everything I had to say, noting that she had seen how hard I’ve been working and that I was a valuable member of the team. She was proud of me and wanted me to continue this improvement streak.
And although I never seek external validation and I’m proud of myself no matter what (except on those odd-feeling days), I won’t deny that this meant too much to me on a professional level. Isn’t that what we all want? For our superiors to acknowledge what we’re doing or to consider us an essential member of the group?
I know that this is important to me.
Because while I never stay a minute after my shift ends or go the extra mile on every single project, I’m trying really, really hard to prove myself and to reconcile the ideas in my head of how great I am with the actual reality.
And at the moment, it seems to be working. So we continue, onward and upwards, growing up and navigating the intricacies of the workplace.