Scared of Changing?

September.

It feels too soon.

Saying it aloud: that there’s only five more months left to go, and that makes me scared. To the point where I can’t go back to sleep after waking up from the many nightmares I’ve been having lately.

So I  start asking myself all sorts of questions, because I can’t go back to sleep, the smart and silly variety and the nonesense. I don’t know what’s a bigger distraction from sleep: those questions or looking at random pictures on Instagram.

The truth is, no matter how strong I act, no matter how excited I can be, I’m scared. I’m scared of becoming a wife. Of being married. Not about the wedding, because those are fears I constantly discuss, and I know it’s just a process. But of the end result itself.

Am I scared of the person I am with? No. Because I love him and I am sure of why we are together. Through this storm going on in my heart and head, his presence reminds me of why we’re doing this all together.

But the thought of marriage is one I still struggle to adjust to, the thought that I’m leaving the only home I’ve ever known and my bed and my surroundings to a new home with a bed I will share with someone.

I know we’ve poured our hearts and souls into making the place ours- and we truly haven’t left a wall in that place that doesn’t reflect who we both are. But it still doesn’t feel mine. It feels unfamiliar and unwelcoming, despite everything, despite how much time we’ve spent there.

The amount of responsibilities I’m supposed to take one because I chose to be with someone I love do not sit well with me. To be a good partner, while budgeting, taking care of the house, fulfilling social obligations, as well as trying as hard as possible to do a good job at work seem so overwhelming. And I just don’t know if I can handle this all. I can barely talk about money right now, so imagine how I will handle that when we have to talk about home expenses and what not.

I’m scared of losing myself. Forgetting about my hobbies and passions because I can’t find the time for them. Just today, I started reading a book for the first time in months and it felt like I had found a piece of myself. I don’t want to imagine what it will be like when I can barely manage and I forget that before we were together, there was me.

I’m scared of waking up one day and realizing everything has become too familiar, that we let work stress and marital life and family get in the way of our relationship. That we aren’t working on nurturing the love we share for one another because we’re distracted by everything else around us. I’m scared of not having something to say to him and just having to watch television shows together to pass the time.

I’m scared of not being able to be a good partner and of becoming too selfish. Of not listening to him and his worries and his concerns like I do now, of just unloading one problem after the next until everything just becomes nagging. And where’s the fun in that?

But also, I can’t allow myself to get too scared right now, or else we can never move forward.

I have to take that plunge or I can never to rest. Maybe I should just stop overthinking things, go to bed, and see what the days ahead will hold for us.

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. duderprotagonist says:

    Someone once said: “you shouldn’t look for the one who completes you, you need to be complete first, then find the one who loves you completely”.

    Life gets busy and it’s easy to forget to take some time to focus on you. I think as long as you have a good sense of self, of who you are, then someone who loves you like that is just going to compliment that. Because that’s who they fell in love with and will want to support and encourage those things that make you who you are.

    1. TK says:

      Thank you for writing this, I will take this advice to heart. Compliment, rather than complete, is what we should be taught about relationships and partners. Unfortunately, that’s still not the common way of thinking.

      I’m very fortunate that my fiance is incredibly supportive of whatever I wish to do. Still the anxieties are there because of the fear of the unknown.

  2. Uday says:

    Well firstly, bravo for the honesty. I know that these are some very genuine anxieties that any one faces during a change like this. But I remember that note (the one you have a screenshot of) and I go: Nah, these couple are gonna rock! 😀

    On a serious note, I do have the same fear of losing a piece of me perhaps once I enter marriage. Of not having time for myself. But I guess we’ll just have to try harder.

    1. TK says:

      That’s very kind of you Uday 🙂 I saw this in the morning and it brought a smile to my face. It’s a great satisfaction knowing I can share my experiences and feelings with a wonderful community as this one! This allows me to be very honest and not to hold back and what I have to say, even if it’s too personal.

      I think this fear of losing ourselves is a one we all have, and not just when being in relationships. But I guess like you said we have to try harder- and be with partners that support our individuality.

  3. artman413 says:

    A new life of any sort brings with it an equal measure of excitement and fear. And perhaps one of the greatest fears is that a new life will create a new you, that you might look in the mirror one day and not recognize who you see.

    You’re probably getting tired of hearing this (heh), but this is another beautifully written post that speaks to some very deep-rooted anxieties I’m sure we’ve all experienced.

    1. TK says:

      For a post that I wrote half-asleep, I’m really amazed that it turned out to be beautifully written. I went through so many edits until I finally hit that publish button! Thank you for always reading and commenting and liking, I always look forward to seeing what you’re going to say 🙂

      I guess there’s only one way to find out what this new life will bring and that’s going ahead with it. Whoever said change had to be a bad thing?

      1. artman413 says:

        Indeed it doesn’t. 🙂

  4. mterrazas32 says:

    I would think everyone has had those thoughts and questions when they are in that process of getting married. Am sure most guys go through this to, expect that we are to scared to share our fears. Have you ask your future husband if he scared about being married? Maybe that might relax your fears and thoughts?

    1. TK says:

      I agree that men do go through this but society or the way they’ve been brought up stops them from talking about it. Thankfully, my fiance and I talk about everything, my fears and his and it does always make me feel better. Yet those thoughts still do pop up when I’m least expecting them too.

  5. e says:

    Heart to pen. Pen to paper. My favorite kind of posts. Awesomeness

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