It feels too soon.
Saying it aloud: that there’s only five more months left to go, and that makes me scared. To the point where I can’t go back to sleep after waking up from the many nightmares I’ve been having lately.
So I start asking myself all sorts of questions, because I can’t go back to sleep, the smart and silly variety and the nonesense. I don’t know what’s a bigger distraction from sleep: those questions or looking at random pictures on Instagram.
The truth is, no matter how strong I act, no matter how excited I can be, I’m scared. I’m scared of becoming a wife. Of being married. Not about the wedding, because those are fears I constantly discuss, and I know it’s just a process. But of the end result itself.
Am I scared of the person I am with? No. Because I love him and I am sure of why we are together. Through this storm going on in my heart and head, his presence reminds me of why we’re doing this all together.
But the thought of marriage is one I still struggle to adjust to, the thought that I’m leaving the only home I’ve ever known and my bed and my surroundings to a new home with a bed I will share with someone.
I know we’ve poured our hearts and souls into making the place ours- and we truly haven’t left a wall in that place that doesn’t reflect who we both are. But it still doesn’t feel mine. It feels unfamiliar and unwelcoming, despite everything, despite how much time we’ve spent there.
The amount of responsibilities I’m supposed to take one because I chose to be with someone I love do not sit well with me. To be a good partner, while budgeting, taking care of the house, fulfilling social obligations, as well as trying as hard as possible to do a good job at work seem so overwhelming. And I just don’t know if I can handle this all. I can barely talk about money right now, so imagine how I will handle that when we have to talk about home expenses and what not.
I’m scared of losing myself. Forgetting about my hobbies and passions because I can’t find the time for them. Just today, I started reading a book for the first time in months and it felt like I had found a piece of myself. I don’t want to imagine what it will be like when I can barely manage and I forget that before we were together, there was me.
I’m scared of waking up one day and realizing everything has become too familiar, that we let work stress and marital life and family get in the way of our relationship. That we aren’t working on nurturing the love we share for one another because we’re distracted by everything else around us. I’m scared of not having something to say to him and just having to watch television shows together to pass the time.
I’m scared of not being able to be a good partner and of becoming too selfish. Of not listening to him and his worries and his concerns like I do now, of just unloading one problem after the next until everything just becomes nagging. And where’s the fun in that?
But also, I can’t allow myself to get too scared right now, or else we can never move forward.
I have to take that plunge or I can never to rest. Maybe I should just stop overthinking things, go to bed, and see what the days ahead will hold for us.